I've made a discovery today.

I discover that,
this chaotic life that I've been living after the big break up
is actually me finding myself.
I discover that,
I was so consumed by thoughts of having my own family
and making my in-laws to like me
when I was in that relationship.
Now that I have more time for myself,
I start to look for what I really want in my life,
who I really am,
that I make extreme decisions,
trying out things I'd always wanted to do but never had the courage to do so,
and it's a try-and-error process.
I'm finding myself.
I do not know how to express this,
but this is a very important stage in my life.

Finally..*sigh

This morning, it finally visited me.
Well, I was quite worried about it coming late.
I only have 7 days, and it came on the 5th,
so of course I have the right to be scared.
I kept thinking,
"What if it still doesn't come on Sunday?
Should I keep taking those pills as prescribed?"
I was so scared that I even thought of making a quick visit to Dr. Leny.
The thing is this whole new prescribed pills are making me nervous,
and emotionally unbalanced,
which I'm afraid would affect people around me.
And I've been quiet sometimes,
too quiet sometimes,
as it makes me more comfortable shall I say?
I try to imagine, many times in fact, how those housewives can survive this condition,
just for the sake of family planning?
Those pills make me miserable,
not only for the fast-growing pimples,
but most importantly, they affect my life.
This is another difficult phase in my life.
I make jokes of it, seriously, many times,
because I become nervous whenever I take it seriously.
Life's not a joke,
therefore, whether I like it or not,
I have to think about this matter seriously in my head.
I'm not pathetic,
I do not need any sympathy,
but I do need companions at certain times,
and I'm trying to survive this whole crap alone, sometimes.
I'm not dying anyway.

I'm scared of the differences.

I'm scared of the differences.
What if I screw it up one more time?
Will it affect others' lives?
Hell yes.
And I'll be forever guilty, again.
I'm totally scared and confused,
they always say "Just follow the flow",
but eventually, I will arrive at the point where I do have to decide
and people will want to know my decision,
and hope that it will be a happy one.
Should I only start thinking when I'm finally asked?
Or to keep silence when I cannot give the expected answer?
Or to run away like I always did before?
I do not want to run away anymore,
nor that I know what I should do.
Will I make the same old mistake by ignoring the differences?
Will I be stupid for letting this one valuable chance to pass me by?
I guess, I'm just too scared of the outcome.
And, I've never been so scared like this.
I am my old self again: the perfectionist.

I'm back, people!

Can I finally say that I'm back?
Wee~ :D

I love the day, but I'm not sure of the night.

I went to HTAR by bus early this morning, alone,
and it was soooo peaceful and fun!
*minus the fact that I'd to wait for 3hours for the appointment.
Stalking pakcik bas with questions,
spending my RM1 notes on the bus fares,
chit-chatting with the makcik at the hospital,
and chasing buses in the middle of Klang city.
Wee~
The ovarian cyst (as I had expected what it is) had shrunk to 3cm from 5cm,
and more hormone pills are prescribed for me.
"Too little for an operation," the doctor told me.
I also discovered one new fact about myself:
I have not only sensitive skin, I also have sensitive teeth!
* Dr. Ros is a kind and soft-spoken dentist that's not easy to find.
And I also discovered how I love and enjoy his company, even only through smses.
And I miss him too.
Opss.

Reminder #1

Take your time.